A little bit about my lack of education


A few weeks ago in church we talked about the importance of education. When the subject was announced I cringed a little in my seat and braced myself for 45 minutes of feeling sad and guilty that my non-existent bachelor’s degree is currently a jumble of mismatched courses with no hope of being put together anytime soon.

I’ve been feeling a little self-conscious lately about not having an education. I’ve especially felt overly sensitive if I’ve accidentally asked Marcus a stupid question or at times when my general knowledge has seemed less than his. He is of course a bottomless cup of never ending praise and encouragement, so my feelings are completely unnecessary of course – but it has nonetheless been something difficult to deal with.

I never thought I would be a 24-year-old without a degree. I never thought I’d be the mom with her kids in her graduation pictures. I’ve always known what I wanted to do. Well, at least I knew what I wanted to do as a teenager – that’s changed now of course. But nonetheless here I am, not knowing what to answer when people ask whether I’m a student.

Throughout the lesson experiences were shared of tough schooling decisions and career paths and I felt myself sink lower and lower into my seat.
Now, I don’t remember the quote or exactly what was said, but I remember at one point all of a sudden feeling calm and at peace with my situation. Seeking education is not merely about credits and university applications. It’s about constantly seeking learning.

I pondered that for a moment and challenged myself with the question, am I educating myself? Do I have enough on my plate as it is? Am I standing still and should I be looking for more opportunities to learn?

Again, I felt calm and reassured.

Since we were married three years ago we’ve lived in four different countries so sticking with a program has obviously been difficult. I’ve applied to several programs over the years and joined a couple, but up until now it was always a question of how many months before our next move was coming up.
And I first and foremost chose to be a wife and a mom. I would do it again and I don’t regret that decision one bit. And I certainly have plenty to learn here as it is.

And that was my the answer.

The more I learn about being a mom. The older Sophia gets. The more I realize I am so incredibly far from perfect. I keep being shocked that motherhood isn’t coming as smoothly and naturally as I always thought it would. My patience obviously does have limits and so does my daughter’s.

Until my worldly academic education works out I can spend my energy learning the ways of the home – and be happy with that.

I’m over aspiring for the picture-perfect. I know that the moms who march their matching good-smelling shiny children up the aisle on Sundays have their challenges as well. There will surely always be challenges.
But if I can just learn to love motherhood. That sounds terrible, but I’m being honest here. If I can just learn to love most aspects and feel in control and at peace with what I’m doing. Knowing how to calm my child, always having a packed diaper bag, being able to keep my home acceptably presentable at the same time… going to bed every night feeling like I did a good job.

Here’s to goals! And to seizing each moment to improve!